Module 3: Overgeven
Module 3: Dutch word-play ‘overgeven’
On Tuesday, the last day of my 1st week yoga therapy intensive of module 3, I woke up with a stomach that hinted to me that it was going to be an intense day. In recent years, when I was in the Netherlands in the summer, I had had a stomach bug before. Super intense, but after a day or so the intensity was gone and I was able to recover. So I went into it fairly peacefully. Take it easy for a day, don’t eat when I’m not hungry, drink a little bit with a little salt and sugar if that goes well and rest a lot. I really wanted to be at my last training-day in the yurt where I had all my gear, but didn’t have the energy to walk there, so was very kindly picked up and brought back. Grateful that I could be present for the last day of training, to bed to rest and better tomorrow, right?
It did not go down that way… It became 4-5 long, tiring, painful days in which everything came out and nothing stayed in it. At first I thought ‘gosh maybe an Ayurvedic cleanse thingy’, but this was just a stubborn belly bug. With my blurry mind, the double meaning of the Dutch word ‘overgeven’ meaning throwing up and surrender to, suddenly peaked my interest. What a beautiful word that actually is and what a difficult relationship I have with it. Trust in my body that it really indicates what it needs and with time, love and attention can recover just fine (provided things go wrong, it is of course always good to have yourself checked, sometimes the body needs a helping hand) .
After about 8 years of having panic attacks (which for me manifested as having to vomit quite suddenly, turning into a fear and control of knowing where toilets were, not being seated where I couldn’t freely move and preferably not eating out, because of too many people), I have been through quite a journey to redevelop my confidence and connection with my body again.
The body always tries her best to stay alive (not because she cares, but that’s just how it works) and the better I learn to listen and feel, the better I can serve and surrender to her and the more free and calm my life is going to be. My head sometimes has good and sometimes well-intentioned ideas and in moments like this it is chattering my ears off (meditation what??), but in the end no one really has any idea what it really is like in their body.
With this renewed feeling as a servant of my body, surrendering as best I am able to, with gratitude for where I live where lovely people take care of me and a training with compassionate lovely people in which this life skill of listening and perceiving is greatly developed, I am happy that the pain is slowly leaving my body and peace is slowly returning.